?

Log in

Now that I finally have a computer again, I should probably try blogging again. I like having a journal, after all.

Last year my laptop that Ashlei gave me finally shit the bed, and so did my iPad... what ended up happening was that Shayde gave me his old iPad and I used that for everything. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful for that, and it was absolutely better than nothing, but it definitely wasn't ideal. It was an older model so I couldn't install an adblocker on it, so nearly every web page would crash the browser. Plus skype didn't want to work and basically by the end of it, I was ready to throw the damn tablet out the window.

But, tax season is here, and thanks to Dylan and I being married, we got a HUUUUGE refund. Over $2700 to be exact. Dylan was nice enough to use part of it to buy me a new laptop. <33 And so now here I am, typing on it. It's an HP Pavilion, which I partially was afraid of getting but hey, Geek Squad took care of my last HP and they'll sure as shit take care of this one.

On the subject of the tax refund, we got to pay off two huge bills: Dylan's credit card bill (Which was sent to a collection agency, unfortunately), and my credit card bill (which was not sent to collections, thankfully). It's always nice to pay off bills and not have to worry about them. I especially was happy to pay off my credit card because I got the damn thing in the first place to fix up my terrible credit score. Unfortunately, shit came up and I ended up maxing the damn thing out and never being able to pay much of it off. I'd pay $50, have to spend $50 to get food. Now thankfully my balance is at zero. Which brings me to my next point...

I FINALLY have a good credit score!!! For the longest time, it was stuck at 600 - 650 (a "poor" score), but it's finally in the 700s now. Huzzah! Hopefully if I can keep this up and pay off my student loans my credit will be nice enough to take out loans in the future. Unfortunately, we checked Dylan's score too, and...well... it's even worse than mine was. His is in the 400s. Ah well, we can just apply for loans in my name. Plus, he did pay off his big collection bill.

Also, a few days ago Dylan and I celebrated our 12th anniversary together... and tomorrow we will celebrate our first wedding anniversary!!! I can't believe it's already been a year. People told me over and over again that the first year was the hardest... but to be honest, it wasn't hard at all. We've been together so long that having a joint bank account, living together, etc is all old news by now. Still, I'm very happy that the first year is over, and I hope we can look forward to 12 more years together.

Therapy has been going pretty well lately. I'm still having medication issues, though. We've settled on an antidepressant that works pretty well, but unfortunately no anti-anxieties work for me so far. It's gotten to the point where I even considered medical marijuana, but I can't do that since it's not approved for use with anxiety. It's getting pretty frustrating, since I just want to feel okay and normal again. I really need to get my life back on track and the anxiety is just holding me back. In terms of actual therapy, I don't feel like my depression or PTSD is getting any better, but my therapist thinks it is. She tells me that I'm starting to be able to talk about traumatic events as past events, rather than experiencing them as though they are happening right now. I dunno. I just can't wait for the day when this crap doesn't affect me anymore.

Finally, an update on the art stuffs: I am working on comic pages weekly and everything is going great. Huzzah!

--Kiki

just some dumb ideas

I've been hella motivated lately with KS (forcing myself to draw obscene amounts of pages helped my slump - who'd have thunk?), and that extends to the weird remake sketch I'm currently working on for the first five chapters. I'm just sorta drawing them for two reasons: a) it's cathartic to draw this stuff again and see how much better I can do, and b) to prove that GODDAMMIT I am a better writer than I was when I was 15.

Anyway, because I've been working on it, and because lately I have crippling anxiety and insomnia, I was up all night recently just wondering how I'd redo the majority of the series if given the chance. I liked a lot of it, so I'm just gonna dump it here in case I ever need to use it. Which I hope I never will.

Chapter 1: currently working on. Obvs much more character interaction, and specifically a better focus on Yasha and her view of the events that are going on. Yasha is actually intended to be the main character, and so during this I am making an effort to make everything as much from her perspective as possible. The fight scene is going to be cleaned up and shortened considerably, and the ridiculous shit like Kakon breaking the basketball pole is gone. Hoping it goes by much better.

Chapter 2: Honestly once I get to this one, it is getting entirely rewritten. Yeah, the original is funny, but it's way too drawn out for that kind of gag. I'm not sure what I'm going to put there yet, but I do know that I want to instead show exactly how Hisaki and Yasha became friends (instead of just saying that it happened). I don't expect it to be very dramatic, since at this point they're not supposed to have that deep of a friendship anyway.

chapter 3: Okay so the original here is hella messy and I just...no. Bad 15 year old Kiki, learn to write. The basic points I tried to cover in this chapter were
1) someone or something is creeping around and following various students
2) Both Hisaki and Yasha have weird ass dreams that hint at the plot.
I'm thinking of handling it a bit differently. Makoto is the one who is friends with a lot of people in the school, so maybe having her texting a friend who hasn't come to school that day, and that friend admits that it's not because she's sick - it's because she saw soemthing and is really scared to leave the house. Maybe say that recently another student saw something freaky too. Just spend a couple pages on that and then have Yasha enter, yawning and looking especially tired. When asked about it, she says that every few months or so, she has this recurring nightmare and it always makes it very hard for her to sleep through the night. Makoto gets curious and asks what kind of dream it is (meanwhile Hisaki is sitting close by, not being a part of the conversation but has started to listen in), and Yasha will tell it: Basically every few months she dreams that she is in a very dark room, so dark that all she can make out is the faint flickering of fire in the distance, and the vague silhouette of a man. The man tells her that someone is coming for her, that that person has already killed many and that she's next. The man asks her what they should do, and before Yasha can answer him, she hears something behind her, and turns to look, knowing it is the "murderer" they were talking about - and that she wakes up, scared, before she can see who it is. She also mentions that in the dream, the man in front of her calls her a different name, but that no matter what, she can never remember that name. (During this sequence, I want to draw the dream as it literally being Yasha in the dream, as though she's remembering it while telling it.) Can end with some chatter from Makoto, like "Ohh, that sounds awful. I've never had recurring nightmares," or something like that. Hisaki interjects from behind them with some kind of agreement, and admits that he knows what it's like because he, too, has had recurring nightmares. But of course, when Yasha asks what his nightmare is, he refuses to answer and derails the conversation.
We'd have to fill the rest of the chapter with something, but I think it'd be cool to end the chapter with Hisaki's nightmare. In it I want to draw it in first person view, and have the events very choppy and vague but ending on the same spot: a bloodied person standing above him telling him he wants Hisaki to suffer. (Or some better dialogue - I dunno right now I'm referencing dialogue I wrote when I was 16, okay??) then having Hisaki startle awake, and acknowledge that it's his usual nightmare, the same dream he always has.

Chapter 4: so obviously Yasha's dream was moved to chapter 3 instead, so we'd have to properly begin the chapter. Since at that point we probably won't have introduced that Hisaki has a sword, I can see him carrying it around nonchalantly (because he does that, let's be honest here), and Yasha being like...
"uhhh, why do you have a sword?"
"Because I like to have it with me."
"Won't you get in trouble if the police see that?"
"If the police bother me about it, I'll just bring it home."
"Okay...what is it with teenage boys and swords? My brother wants one, too. Are you just trying to look like a badass so girls will talk to you?"
"No."
And otherwise her just picking on him for it. I know Hisaki technically has a way of hiding it in the back of his shirt, but I feel like we'd have to introduce it properly so people don't get confused when he randomly whips it out (hurhur, whips it out).
Anyway, as for Hasha showing up. Could have the chapter start with him taking notice of Hisaki and Yasha, and at this point in the chapter decide to approach them. Dunno if I will still have him jump off a building. It's kinda cheesy, but at the same time I kinda like the imagery of him emerging from the cracked pavement around him. We could end it on his "I found Princess Kijo" thing again. Will depend on the page count.

Chapter 5: The actual sequence of events in this chapter isn't too horrible as is, but it needs a little polish. For the most part, I don't want Hisaki to dive right into trying to fight Hasha, because as far as they know, this guy is just some crazy trying to attack them. Could show Yasha grabbing Hisaki and telling him they need to run, but when they try, Hasha obviously heads them off and tells them they can't escape - he's a demon and therefore much faster and stronger than them. Dylan thinks we should have Hasha do something that really shows he's a demon: his suggestion is that we put a mouth or something on his hand that he pulls his sword out of. At this point, Hisaki can get out his katana and try to fight him off to the same effect of the original. Hasha will knock him down and smash Hisaki's katana, breaking it in half. At this point Yasha will try to run over to help Hisaki, but Hasha will stop her and threaten her, while brandishing his weapon. This will stop Yasha. She'll think something to the effect of "I have to help Hisaki...but... this guy will kill me if I even get close."
Hasha can then start his monologue, and tell how he is hunting the Princess Kijo for a bounty, that he travelled to the human world and honed in on her energy signal (cue flashback to the other students being followed) until he noticed it was coming from either Hisaki or Yasha. (He won't say that it is either of them: just that he found where she is and show both of them.) He says that it was possible that she was hiding in a human, and theorized that if she did, her power would enhance the person she resided in - and suggest that Hisaki fits the profile they've created. Hisaki can try and struggle again, and have Hasha beat him down again. Yasha will try to approach Hisaki again (this time gingerly taking a few steps instead of running to him), and Hasha will stop her, saying something like, "You're lucky, little human... you are not my mark. Run along before I end you." Hisaki will also yell for her to run away, which will shock Yasha. At this point they've had a rocky start to their friendship and she won't understand why this guy who has consistently pushed her away, called her annoying, and otherwise attempted to keep her away is now worrying for her safety when he should be concerned with himself.
At this point, same will happen as before, Hasha will put his sword at Hisaki's neck and tell him that in order to rip Kijo out of him, Hasha will end Hisaki's life. Just as he goes to slice Hisaki's throat, Yasha crumples to the ground, and then rises again, possessed by Kijo and tell Hasha to get away from her friend.

------After this point, these are just ideas and probably won't be drawn.------

Chapter 6: Pretty much the same as the original chapter, except that instead of Hasha challenging Yasha/Kijo, he'll notice immediately that the energy is flaring around her and that she, rather than Hisaki, is the container for Kijo. He'll also realize that he was mistaken because Hisaki and Yasha were almost always together, and he wasn't able to separate which one was Kijo. He'll then calm down and acknowledge that he's found her for real this time.
Kijo can respond with something like, "Yes, you've found me and woken me up... but that is meaningless now. Get away from the human, or I will make you get away."
Hasha can say, "Oho, you're going to make me? How will you even hurt me in that frail human body?" He'll push the sword closer to Hisaki's neck to mock her.
The chapter can continue just like before now, with Kijo challenging him to see who can attaack faster - him killing Hisaki or her attacking Hasha. She rips off his arms and he does his usual mention of Akujin and Nekura, which catches Hisaki's ear.
(Also at this point I want to make sure to draw the skin on Yasha's arms breaking and bleeding as Kijo wraps her power around them.)
Previously I drew Yasha just stabbing Hasha through the heart, but Hisaki shouldn't have to bury a body to hide what happened, so have Kijo literally liquify him. (It's an excuse to show blood shooting everywhere |D) The chapter can end just like it did before.

Chapter 7: This can open pretty similarly to before, with Yasha waking up confused, realizing that her arms are injured that remembering what happened before with Hasha. But since she's home, I don't really see why she'd assume that Hisaki changed her clothes, 'cause dude...her mom and brother would be there to stop some creep from touching her. Instead, have a knock come from her bedroom door, and then have Hisaki poke his head in and say, "Hello? I'm here to check on you--"
Yasha will then freak out (she's in her PJs, or underwear, whatever, I'll figure it out) and throw shit at him, screaming for him to get out of her room.
cut to them downstairs, Hisaki massaging a bruise on his face. "Why did you throw your lamp at me?!"
"You don't just walk into a girl's bedroom, dumbass!"
Her mother can enter and tell her she's sorry, she sent him up there because she figured Yasha would already be awake and dressed. Then she can do her thing with checking Yasha's hand and asking her what happened. (With Yasha responding, "Uhhhhhh") Her mother can talk over her, "I know you're prone to starting fights, but whoever did this to you was dangerous! You should be more careful." As before, Tenma makes fun of Yasha because she's getting chewed out, and Yasha's mom tells her that if she's well enough to throw things, she's well enough to go to school.
Cut to outside, like before. Hisaki says, "That's your family, huh? They seem nice."
"Yeah, that was my mom and brother. Tenma's such a pain in the ass. He's still in middle school but next year I'll have to deal with him being in the same building as us."
Hisaki can chuckle and say something like, "It must be nice." Which will confuse Yasha. Then she will go quiet, look down at her wounded hands, and wonder why Hisaki isn't saying anything about what happened before. She knows that they ran into something otherworldly before; she can see the bruises on Hisaki's face and the wounds on her arms are proof of that.
Kakon throwing a net at Hisaki is funny in the original, but I think I'd change it a bit. Have them just walking along when all of a sudden, someone throws a bookbag at Hisaki's face, stopping him. Cut to Kakon hiding near some bushes (Makoto is crouched near him), still with his hands up from throwing the bag. He'll say, "Ha! I got him!" and Makoto will murmur, "Ohh, so that's why you brought all your textbooks today."
Hisaki will scream, "Why is everyone throwing stuff at me today?!" and storm off. Maybe some little dialogue afterward.
I'm thinking maybe some little panels showing the school day, where Yasha is asking to photocopy Hisaki's notes (since she can't write at the moment) and other things. Maybe transition to the end of the school day with her holding Hisaki's notes and noting that they are very detailed, and that maybe she'll actually pass the test this time with notes like those. She'll ask if they can hang out and do homework together (again, she can't write). Perhaps a little dialogue, "You just want me to copy my answers onto your paper."
"well, yeah. I don't know anything about history."
"Just because I'm good at that subject doesn't mean you can copy my papers!"
"C'mooooon, my hands are messed up right now!"
Hisaki will put his foot down, noting that he actually has to visit his uncle today anyway. When Yasha asks why, he again notes that his sword is completely shattered and he needs it to be fixed. (Short flashback to when Hasha broke it)
After a moment, Yasha will insist that she comes with, because her mom is working late and Tenma won't help her with the homework. She really needs Hisaki to write down her answers for her.
Transition to them in front of Uncle's house, with Yasha noticing that it's a forgery, and Hisaki telling her that, yeah, he's a blacksmith and he runs a small business selling custom weapons and knives. We can end the chapter again on Uncle crushing Hisaki in a hug again.

Chapter 8: This can go similarly to the original: Uncle saying it's been way too long since Hisaki last visited, Hisaki telling to let go because he can't breathe. Uncle will notice Yasha, make the girlfriend comment and anger both of them.
then when Uncle asks what brings Hisaki there, he can present the pieces of the sword. Uncle can pick on him for a bit for it ("I made you a katana for free, and you wreck it???" "I didn't do it on purpose." "Well what the hell were you using it for?") and eventually just exasperatedly taking it back into his shop to start the process. Hisaki and Yasha can start doing the homework (maybe come up with some dialogue here) and Uncle will come out a lot sooner than expected with a brand new katana. Yasha will be surprised and Uncle will tell her that no, he didn't fix it that quickly, he's just gonna melt down the broken one and use it for something else. The one he has now is just another he was working on, that he finished the grip on just now and is giving Hisaki that instead. (Maybe have him picking on Hisaki, telling him it's a very expensive gift and he better not break it again.)
As for the part where Uncle and Hisaki have their match...honestly, I don't see why Uncle would even know martial arts, much less be able to keep up with Hisaki... so I think maybe instead, he's just learning it in his time off for funsies and to stay in shape, and the "match" is actually just him practicing with Hisaki. Yasha can sit in the back, watch for a minute, thinking that Hisaki and Uncle are clearly very close and it's cute to watch them interact with each other, then pull some papers out of Hisaki's bag and start copying answers.
During that I want to yank the sequence right out of volume 2's bonus chapter, and have Uncle tell Hisaki that he's happy and proud that he's got a friend, and hoping that this means he's finally moving on from Nekura. Hisaki stops him before he can say the name, and quietly tells him not to say anything, that Yasha is only a few feet away. Uncle can continue just like in the bonus chap. and tell him that he really needs to move on, Hisaki yells "Shut up!" and that causes Yasha to look over at them and ask what's wrong. The chapter can probably end similarly to the bonus chapter, with Uncle looking over the picture of Hisaki and Nekura (that's torn and crumpled to shit because Hisaki is a pissy little jerk when it comes to anything that reminds him of his brother).

Chapter 9: For this, the original is a super exposition dump and it's really not necessary. Just open up with Kakon waiting around on a bench with his friends, grumbling that he's going to kick some guy's ass, and his friends sighing and complaining that he needs to go ahead and quit the whole overprotective boyfriend thing, it's really annoying. Like before, Satoshi can tell him to just go with the arcade with them instead. Kakon will pout and grumble, "well... I do like the arcade."
Cut to the arcade, maybe show Kakon and Ed attempting to play some co-op shooter (with zapper guns!!!), over several panels show them eventually losing, and have it end with Kakon pointing his zapper gun at Ed's head and clicking the trigger furiously while glaring at him. End the sequence with Kakon groaning that he's out of money, and electing to go outside and get some fresh air (and maybe text Makoto) while his friends use the last of their money on the games. Outside, he'll be checking his phone, when he notices someone stumbling toward the alley next to the arcade. He assumes this guy is drunk, but right before the guy disappears around the corner, Kakon notices there is a ton of blood on his face. He walks over to the alley and leans in, asking if the guy is okay. The guy turns around slowly and sure enough, he has vampire fangs and blood all over his mouth. Says something intimidating and cut away with Kakon screaming, then cut to Hisaki just like in the original. He's walking down the street, hears the scream, and a few seconds later Kakon tackles into him while trying to run away. The scene can pretty much go the same as before, just with a little more focus on Hisaki wondering if this vampire is actually a demon as well. Start fight scene.

Chapter 10: Fight scene can pretty much go the same as before, maybe with better dialogue. Also might not have Hisaki attack until he knows for sure that this thing isn't human (maybe by the vampire doing something hella creepy, like in the Blade movies). Kakon runs away freaked out, just like before, Hisaki runs into Yasha in a different part of town, just like before. He tells her that apparently he's hunting vampires, and Yasha responds with something like, "Oh, you're LARPing?" (Yes Dylan, I'm making fun of you :P) Yasha wants to help (again, she thinks he's basically playing pretend), runs off. Maybe show a panel with her in a little shop with a cashier looking at all the stakes and stuff she bought and asking, "Uhh... so are you LARPing or something?" and Yasha excitedly saying, "I dunno, I guess so!"
The chapter can pretty much continue just like before, with minor changes to dialogue.

Chapter 11: When they enter the hotel and the vampires swarm them, Yasha will realize that oops, this isn't a LARP and there are actual vampires trying to kill her. I'd like to keep the gags regarding all the shitty gear she bought, maybe end with her (very luckily) managing to stab one of them in the heart. When she realizes she took care of one, she'll yell, "Yay! I got one! I can totally fight, too!"
While Hisaki, at the other end of the room, says, "I just took care of the other five."
".....oh."
I think the next scene can be pretty much exactly as before.
The following scene with Makura and Li can stay mostly the same, just with reworked dialogue. Maybe Makura can point out that the majority of his peons, at night, are off feeding and whatever, but that Li is always by Makura's side, and only feeds when he feeds. Then he asks why and of course Li gets flustered just like before, telling him that she's grateful for the gift of eternal life he's given her and that she only wants to repay him. The chapter can continue just like before.

Chapter 12: Open like before, maybe just without Yasha egging Hisaki on to fight 'cause it's out of character. Hisaki is a sexist little shit so I don't mind keeping in the fact that he won't fight a girl. We can keep the fight for the most part the same. Maybe a slightly more visually impressive fight.


Chapter 13: As for Li's flashback, I know people like it the way it is, but I'd like to expand on it. I'd write it similarly, that Li lived in a tiny, middle-of-nowhere town that has a population of like, 40; that her parents died shortly after she became an adult and she inherited the house and lived there alone. When she and everyone else were kids, an older man in the town taught them all martial arts as a hobby, but as it usually happens, everyone eventually lost in interest, but Li kept it up because she liked it and thought she was good at it. By adulthood, most everyone her age has married, moved out of town, or both. Li has to work a crappy job in a town over 30 minutes away, and basically has nothing in her life anymore. She comes home to an empty house, her friends have all moved on in life and basically Li is completely left behind... except her neighbor, whom she still train with in martial arts. It's her last connection in the town, the last thing she has to hold onto, and then he dies one night in his sleep. Li can run off and cry alone just as she did in the original, and then Makura shows up. I want to stress the fact that she's very lonely, and that when Makura shows up, she goes with him because he is literally the only person she could turn to at this point. Plus he essentially seduces her (even though I never showed that), and that's why I want her to have fallen in love with him, even though he's a little shit and doesn't deserve her time.
Again the chapter can continue as normal (assuming the flashback fits.)
I dunno if the whole "ahaha I made her believe she had free will when she really didn't" works, it's kinda weird and hard to understand. Maybe just have Makura fess up that he pulled a Light Yagami and seduced her just enough to keep her under his control.

Chapter 14: The fight scene could probably use some revision, just for the sake of making it less cheesy. But otherwise it should go the same, Hisaki and Makura fight for a bit, they're fairly evenly matched, then Hisaki stabs Mr. Asshole Jerkface.

Chapter 15: Everything goes pretty much the same. Maybe just a little more lead up before Yasha turns into Kijo.
When Hisaki picks up Yasha to carry her home, she wakes up just as before. She's surprised to see him alive and asks how he survived. Hisaki admits, a little embarassed, that he landed in a dumpster and that cushioned the fall. Yasha laughs, lifting a hand to her face and then sees that yet again, her hands are burned and bloody. The dialogue and ending can be pretty much the same.

Chapter 16: I would probably open this a little differently. Maybe again they are being given their summer break assignments, and Yasha is grumbling because her hand hurts and she doesn't want to do homework. Once school gets out, Kakon can approach Yasha and ask her if she's okay and if her hand is healing. When Yasha gets understandably confused, he says he heard from Hisaki that she had gotten injured. Instead, cut back to basically the same thing from vol. 3's bonus chapter. When cutting back to the present, Yasha can awkwardly answer him and then walk away to catch up with Hisaki, while Kakon stares at her and wonders what exactly Hisaki and Yasha have been dealing with.
Instead of the weird Hisaki running over the water joke, go instead with the gag where Yasha is bored over summer vacation and tries to text Hisaki.
She texts him something simple like, "What are you up to?"
Cut to Hisaki eating his lunch elsewhere, noticing his phone making a noise and checks it.
Back with Yasha, her phone rings and, surprised, she answers it. Hisaki asks her, "How do I send a message back?"
Yasha explains it to him, and then hangs up. She stares at her phone, waiting for the message, until it dings and a message comes up saying, "This is dumb. Stop bothering me."
Yasha gets pissed off and resolves to bother him as much as possible. Show a few panels of Hisaki trying to go through the day but his phone is dinging almost constantly with her sending nonsense texts, just to piss him off. Maybe even a panel showing him unable to sleep because she's still texting him at 3 AM.
End the scene with Hisaki finally agreeing (via text) that it's okay for her to text him and to please let him sleep though.
Back when school starts again, Makoto (as before) notices that Hisaki and Yasha are basically around each other all the time: they work together during class, they arrive at school together and leave together too. Kakon tells her that as far as he knows, they're not dating as Makoto again decides to play matchmaker.
Also, CUT OUT THAT DARKFIRE SHIT. IT'S SO UNNECESSARY. FUCK THAT.
Otherwise, the chapter can continue just like before, but with considerably better dialogue.

Chapter 17: Open the same way, except when Hisaki and Yasha see each other, maybe have Hisaki notice that Yasha has gone all out for her date: she's obviously dressed up but is also wearing a little makeup, too. He says something about it, she asks, "Yeah, I'm wearing makeup. Why, do I look pretty?"
He responds, "Uhh...I dunno. I'm not used to you looking like a girl."
And then usual gag where she threatens to hurt him for it.
The chapter can pretty much go just like before, except not the same ending. I dunno what I would do, but I'm sure if I ever have to draw this chapter again, I'd figure something out to end it.

Chapter 18: Sooo. This chapter. Okay, so I fucking hate that it opens with a girl almost being raped and that we literally use that to show Hisaki is acting more violent and angry than usual. Fuck that, okay, I'm not raping any fictional girls for Hisaki's sake.
Instead, probably have it open up like the bonus chapter for volume 4: Hisaki and Yasha are riding a bus to get home from wherever they were, except maybe open up with Yasha excitedly talking about the future in some way (either being excited for graduation even though it's 3 years away, or something like that), and asking Hisaki about it. He grumbles something like, "If I'm even here for that."
Yasha asks him what he means, and then he looks away and does the patented I don't wanna talk so I'm gonna look away Hisaki thinger.
The dialogue can continue like in the bonus chapter, with Yasha saying that Hisaki is acting strange lately, and asking him what's wrong. He doesn't wanna talk about it, she pushes and eventually he storms off at the next bus stop. He can groan to himself like in the original chapter 18 that he isn't supposed to be here this long, before again concluding that "he isn't here." and walking off.
Next day, when Yasha goes to school, Hisaki isn't there. She complains a bit, saying that she didn't know he wasn't gonna be there and was waiting for him a while. Makoto wonders if Hisaki is sick, Yasha calms down and agrees that he might be, and that maybe she shouldn't be mad at him.
Next day, Hisaki is still not there. Yasha is getting irritated because she hasn't heard from him, but again wonders if he's sick and maybe it's really bad. The teacher calls her over after classes are done, and says that she should bring him his homework so she doesn't fall behind. Yasha doesn't know where he lives, but the teacher says just to get that info from the office.
Cut to outside a crappy, small apartment building. Yasha is looking up at it, wondering why Hisaki lives in such a dump, but regardless steps inside and starts looking for his apartment. She has his homework but also a grocery bag with a few cans of soup in it. Eventually she finds his door, and starts knocking. "Helllooooo! Hisaki! Are you there? I have your homework! Oh, I brought soup for you? If you're really sick, I can heat it up for you..." No one answers the door, and she can't hear anyone coming to the door. "Hisaki, if you're sick then I know you're there! Answer me!" She sighs, and yells, "I'm leaving your homework and soup here." She drops the bag and papers next to the door, and leaves. Cut to the inside of the apartment. Hisaki is leaning against the other side of the door, clearly pensive but was deliberate in not answering the door.
Next day, again, Hisaki is not at school. Yasha is extremely worried at this point, to the point where she can't be angry anymore. After school, she practically runs over to his apartment, prepared to bust down the door if need be to check on him. When she gets to his door, she stops suddenly - the door is wide open, and there are a few suitcases piled around the frame. The papers and bag of soup cans is exactly where she left them. Just as she sees this, Hisaki comes out of the door, pulling another suitcase behind him. He notices her, but continues with setting this new suitcase among the others.
Yasha attempts to gather the words to ask him what's going on, but he answers before she can do it: "I'm moving."
"what? but...why?"
"Because I have to." He picks up the papers and soup and hands them back to her. "Thanks for the concern, but I'm not sick. I don't need this stuff." She is still somewhat shocked, and takes the bag, but after gathering herself, she yells at him.
"Wait, why?! You 'have to?!' You only came here a few months ago!"
"I should have left a lot sooner than that."
"what...?"
He's packing still while they talk.
"I never stay anywhere very long, Yasha. It was fun being your friend, so I stayed longer...but I have to leave now."
"But...you can't just leave like this! I mean...you could have at least told me beforehand that you were moving! And I could have helped you pack, and...and..."
"Does it really matter? You know now that I'm leaving. I'm almost done packing anyway. I'll be gone tomorrow."
"Tomorrow? But... I can at least call you, right? We can stay in touch even if you move..."
"No, I'm going to change my number. I don't want you contacting me." At this point, he stands and faces her. "You need to leave. I'm just about finished and I want to get going soon."
Yasha is silent for a moment, looking down hopelessly. Hisaki turns back to his packing. Finally she speaks up. "That's it? Bye, it was fun, let's never speak again?! What the hell kind of goodbye is that?!"
"Yasha...you're making this harder than it has to be. Just go home."
"No! I'm not leaving until I know what's going on! Why do you have to leave? Why would you constantly move?! Why--"
Hisaki turns around, furious, and scream while stepping toward her, "Because I have to find someone!"
Yasha is shocked and instinctively steps back. Her back hits the wall and she drops the bag she was holding.
Hisaki is still seething. "As long as he is alive... nothing else matters."
Yasha is still shocked. "But...you don't--"
"Don't you get it?! I don't care! I don't care about staying here, I don't care about making friends. I don't care about YOU."
Yasha falls silent and looks down painfully. Hisaki takes a deep breath, calms himself somewhat and looks away. "You should go."
Yasha says nothing, and after a pause turns and walks away. After a few steps, Hisaki says her name. She turns around slowly. He's looking at her awkwardly, and quietly says, "goodbye."
She continues walking away. End chapter.

my hand is cramping something fierce, will finish this tomorrow. Not that it matters, I'll never use it |D

Life and stuff.

I really need to get better at this blogging about my life thing. Oh well, such is the life of an adult: nothing interesting ever happens. Anyway...

Been having an interesting summer. I've been drawing a lot more than I usually do during my breaks, which is nice. I feel like I'm being far more productive than normal. I still need to get a buffer done before school starts, which will be a challenge. Regardless, I've gotten a lot of things off of my to-draw list done and it's nice to have a little breathing room there.

I've spent quite a bit of time frustrated over computer issues. My iPad, while it's served me well over the past two years, has proven to not be ideal for school. Most of the keyboards you can get for it are expensive as hell (and break super easily), my note-taking apps are pissy and love to lose files, and it doesn't help that two cracks just formed on the screen despite me not being rough with it. Apple offered to replace it, but only if I paid $50 and guess what? I don't have that money, as expected. I figured, what with all the problems, that I should just demote the iPad to entertainment only, and get a cheapie PC with my financial aid money for school. So I kept trying to buy one off the school store for a month, only to find out I wasn't allowed to do so until August. Then my order was cancelled, then I was told I couldn't order a computer, until finally my order went through regardless. I'm now typing on a friend's computer that I'm borrowing until the magical mystery computer arrives. If it does. Windows 10 is rad as hell, so I'm sure it will be worth it.

Otherwise, I am still enjoying life, going to therapy, and recently started dieting again. I must wrap this up as I have to go with a friend to a vet appointment.

Tags:

I am really, really irritated right now. Every time I think I've gotten used to this, I get upset again.

Here's the thing: art teachers have always, ALWAYS hated the shit that I draw. And when I was younger, that was understandable to an extent. Back then, I was aping manga art. I was just trying to exactly mimic what I saw in the books, without comprehending that those various styles took years to develop all that. My art was just symbols I had learned to copy. Granted, most comic artists will tell you that, to some degree, that they've copied other artists at times in their lives. It's normal and most move on and develop their own style. Despite that, I can imagine that artists who didn't dabble in the comic genre would be irritated by kids like me - they probably didn't grow up mimicking other art. So, you know what, pissy 8th grade art teacher? I forgive you for hating my art for that reason. You didn't know better.

But I am a god damned 25-year old woman now. I have been drawing all my life. I have carefully developed my style, I have studied for hundreds of hours how panelling and comic symbolism work (ON MY OWN, I'll add), I have studied anatomy, skeletal and muscular structure, expressions, backgrounds, architecture, and anything else that could improve the quality of my comic work. And so when I enter an art class, I am there to learn, and when the teacher is a jerk, it hinders my ability to do so.

I'm not asking for a teacher to sugarcoat whatever they say, but damn. In my life, I have had one art teacher that was supportive of my work. She gave me the confidence to keep improving my craft, all while giving me the help I needed by critiquing my work. ONE teacher. The rest have been absolute nightmares.

The teacher I had this semester was definitely a piece of work. As per usual, he hated the fact that my art is manga-inspired and hated even more the fact that I worked 100% digitally. All semester was spent with him calling my work "generic," pissing all over my art program of choice, and being a general unhelpful douche until I finally had a god damned mental breakdown. My final work is intended to be less manga-like (not for him), but I'm betting he'll still hate it and not even try to critique it, as usual.

My final work is what bothers me today, though. We had to present our comics to the class and lots of the work was amazing! ...but there were a few things that really struck me.

First, I was disappointed to see my "art rival" had completely ripped off the Pusheen the Cat comics. Worst part was that she was praised immediately by the teacher. He probably just isn't aware of the comics, but still, it hurt to see her being proud of something obviously copied, and being praised for it. Secondly, the comic I was the most impressed with was a young man who had used the assignment as part of his BFA exhibit. He had printed 50 copies and it looked like he had put a ton of work into it and was intending to make it an ongoing comic. I snagged a copy, but... when I read it on closer inspection, I saw that he had created stock faces for the main characters, and just copied and pasted them throughout the comic, and then drew new bodies underneath to suit the scene - including his main character. And he got tons of praise for this work.

I know I shouldn't get jealous. But...fuck. I don't know how to feel. My Zelda comic was created with the intention of showing my abilities, so that I could get appropriate feedback. That comic was full of action scenes and wilderness imagery, and I got nothing. Just the usual silence from peers and shit feedback from the teacher. My final comic was more of this: a more American-style comic with lots of backgrounds - including an entire city skyline! - and action right off the bat. And guess what? No feedback from my classmates, and the teacher was standoffish about it...but I bet he'll be a dick, AGAIN, during my critique next week.

I just don't know how to deal with this. I want feedback, guys. My paranoid brain is telling me that everyone hates my work and honestly I have no real evidence to shut that feeling up. Teachers, I don't need my ego broken (I have no confidence in my work, anyway), and fellow artists, I just want to know what needs to be fixed. I don't know what that's so much to ask.

Ugh.

There goes my long, thought-out post about all the various shit that's going on my life right now. Thanks for crashing, app. Fuck you, too.

Short version: life sucks, depression sucks, Dylan's job sucks, school sucks.

Harglebargle

My depression is flaring up hard lately, and I only see my therapist once a week, so I should at least TRY to write it down in hopes that spilling my guts will make me feel a little better.

So for the most part? This flare-up is art related. I feel like a huge failure. To quote a rather recent tumblr post:

"Man, talking to my art friends always reminds me what a shit artist I am. They're so full of dreams and passion, they draw daily and are making insanely creative pieces. Meanwhile I can barely find the time to work on anything art-related. It doesn't help that I know I will never make money off my art, nor will I ever have a real audience. It also doesn't help that if I focus on my art, I will end up hungry and without a cent to my name. Everyone is so amazing. All I have are shit anime-looking drawings that I don't even have the time for anymore."

That sums it up. Even if some days I feel okay with my art style (especially since it's not as lazy as it used to be), it doesn't change the fact that there are a LOT of FAR more talented artists out there. And unlike them, I don't have unlimited time to devote to art anymore.

I just feel so bitter. Over the years, I've seen a lot of good things happen to my art friends. They've improved, they've gotten job offers for their art, they've gained fans, and in the mean time... I've been struggling to survive. I can't devote my time to art anymore, because I need to go to work so I can eat. I need to go to school so my hubby and I can eventually be secure and not go hungry for weeks at a time. And for all that effort, I lost all my readers. I lost everything. Maybe it sounds silly to others to feel sad over that, but I'm an artist... I want people to look at my art. I want them to feel something from it, to critique me, to enjoy or hate it. I want people to read my comic like they used to. I want to start a new comic and know that someone, ANYONE will look at it.

It feels just like the time in high school, when my teacher passed me over and instead recommended my friend, who had a passing interest in graphic design, for a full scholarship at an art school. I feel as though all my effort has gotten me nothing, and more effort will get me more of nothing.

It's jealousy, bitterness, and a lot of other ugly emotions I don't want to have, but that's what it is...
I thought writing it down would make me feel better, but it didn't

--Kiki

Super tired.

Blarrrgh had to wake up early to see my new psychiatrist. I am so tired.

Weight: 301 (as of Monday)
Did I exercise + how much: Took the stairs at every chance today. Managed about 3000 steps total.
Calorie count: 1300
Positives: I'm sore, so I must have gotten a good amount of exercise.
What needs work: I actually don't have anything to mention here, today.

After a tough day at school, I was very emotional and wanted to eat junk food, but Dylan still made sure I didn't get any. I really appreciated that from him.

Also, limonade is delicious and not very high calorie. Yum.

--Kiki

Tags:

Cider donuts are freaking AMAZING

Not the best title for a diet entry, but HAHAHA I DON'T CARE THEY'RE SO YUMMY.

Weight: 301
Did I exercise + how much: Took the stairs when I had the chance. 100+ calories burned.
Calorie count so far: 900, but I haven't had dinner yet.
Positives: Down a couple pounds, paid attention to portions today.
What needs work: Just gotta keep taking stairs when I have the option.

Yeah, so Dylan and I found some cider donuts and they're delicious. I'm making a point of only having one a day. Before Dylan and I would have scarfed down the whole box in one day. It's also just nice having them for breakfast every day.

About a week and a half ago, I was at the doctor's office and weighed in at 307. Kinda happy to see I'm down a few pounds, even when I was only half-paying attention to what I was eating. Go me. I imagine I will lose more if I can keep myself motivated.

--Kiki

Tags:

Testing & Diet

The "testing part of the title is because the LJ app is being hella annoying right now (no landscape mode? WTF?), so I'm testing out something different. Here's hoping this app doesn't suck.

(On a slightly related note, I found an app that simulates using a typewriter. It's basically pointless to have, but it gives me quite the nostalgia-gasm. I used to have a typewriter back in elementary school.)

After a few years of hard work on my diet, I fell off it. I know why it happened, and I know I've basically ruined all my hard work. I've beat myself up over it a million times now. But rather than feeling like a failure, I just need to try again. And in order to do that, I feel like I need some order and accountability.

So I'm going to try and blog every day (alongside my calorie-counting and the like), so I can focus on what I'm doing right as well as making note of what needs improvement. So, uh, here goes.

Weight: Will check tomorrow
Did I exercise + how much: No way, I was catching up on sleep
Calorie count so far: Will have a number tomorrow
Positives: Dylan and I are setting down a plan for our diets. It's good to really sit down and talk about this.
What needs work: I'd really like another fitbit, since it helped me motivate myself to work out more. For now, the wii fit meter will have to do.

Well, time to set up the plan.
-1700 - 1900 calorie range (Dylan is doing 1800 - 2000)
-The both of us have to shop together, since we shop healthier when we can both examine the foods we buy
- I have to help Dylan cook properly-portioned meals
- Mondays are cheat meal day. We only get one cheat meal per week, no grabbing dessert or anything like that.
- Weigh in once a week, do wii fit u exercise at least 20 minutes a week to begin with.
- I need to start taking stairs instead of elevator whenever I can.
- TRY to go for walks, if the weather allows
- Have to eat breakfast.

In other news, I am tired as fuck and can't wait to get some sleep tonight.


--Kiki

Tags:

Dammit I'm having feelings again

Haha GWS reference. But seriously. Had a pretty major breakdown last night, and ended up keeping poor Dylan up until 3 AM because of it. -.-

Honestly, I suspect the reason that this is creeping up on me is because I'm on vacation from school right now...which means I have nothing to do. And while I have been playing a marathon of Zelda games, I guess it's not enough to keep my depression from rearing its ugly head.

Thing is, whether I'm idle or not, a lot of this shit has been bugging me for months. I knew going back to college would be a bit of a sacrifice. It was the reason I was so scared to even try going back for so long. I knew that I wouldn't be able to hold much of a job, if at all, and that would mean going hungry. It's easy for me to say, "Yeah, well, I supported Dylan while he was in school, so he has to support me now!" But our bank account says otherwise. We BARELY make enough to get by. Rent takes up half of our income, and once bills and such go through there is not much to spend on food and the like.

It's stressful enough like that, but I know it's my god damn fault. All of it. Dylan can tell me all day long that he was willing to go through leaner financial times for the sake of my education, but I know that if I got a job or even just a couple commissions per month, we wouldn't struggle so much. Let's just add to that that I CAN'T find a job. It's not for lack of trying. I am searching all the time, but no matter how many resumes/applications I send out, I get nothing, because most places don't want to work with a full-time college student. And that is just too much. It is giving me heart palpitations, and keeping me awake at night. Because I could fix this whole damn situation if someone would just give me a few hours of work per week.

And honestly... the commission thing is its own can of worms that's been festering for years and years. I mean, I worked my ass off for a long time to make an art style I could be proud of... it took lots of sadness, low self-esteem, work and anger to get where I am now. And for the first time, I can look at my art and feel like.. hey... this is all right. This reflects me. I mean, I'm PROUD of where I am for once in my life. And I just... it's not marketable, I guess. I mean, a couple people support my comic on Patreon. And that's still fantastic. I never expected my comic to have much in the way of support, so even a little is amazing. But I NEED commissions at least to get by. And I am lucky to get any. I don't know why. My friends get tons of commissions, and I get nothing. (Whoop, here comes the jealousy.) It hurts. I know my art doesn't really fit into any category... it's not really cute or realistic or super stylized... but I'd like to think I have a little skill, and some ability to capture people's characters... and shit, most of the time even if someone DOES show interest, they immediately tell me, "Oh, it's too expensive."
That one especially gets me. Professional illustrators charge insane amounts for a finished piece of art (a per-piece price can start at $1000!) and here I am, charging $30 for a fully colored piece? Fuck right off. I need to EAT, guys. I'm not selling you shit for $1 like you want. As it is, I KNOW I'm undercharging for my work. And that's still too expensive. Suck a dick, mmmkay?

Yeah. I guess that's the gist of it. I'd just like to see some cash flow. It'd make my heart palpitations settle a bit, I'm sure...